1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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