shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
