my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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