nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
