I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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