I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
