Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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