I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
