Im at strip club and am horny
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize