Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
