wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
