Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
