summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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