I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
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Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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