idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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