I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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