I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize