I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
