Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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