Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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