she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
