Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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