he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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