there's paper in my vomit.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
