Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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