how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
