Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
