actually, I'm a sock model
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
