so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
