at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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