Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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