I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
