My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
