and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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