I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
