When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf