On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
