Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
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he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.