and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
