1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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