chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
