how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Randomize
