piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
