i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Edward fifth and chaser hands
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
