you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
