im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
