Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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