non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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