Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
