i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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