shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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