i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
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I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
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I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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