when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
