I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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