You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
